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We are home.

Surprisingly, we were only at the Surgical Center for about three hours total.
That is a welcomed new record.

As predicted, they did fully sedate Bella, which meant that she had to be wheeled – once again – through those horrific OR doors, without me at her side.

She cried.
I cried.unnamed-1

There are way too many of these moments that have taken up residence in my permanent memory.

As always, I think it is important to acknowledge where God not only showed up, but revealed His steadfast and enduring character to us::

* Our anesthesiologist was amazing. The young dad of twins, he listened to us. In fact, he asked Bella what she wanted. She told him. He honored her request. And by doing so, my daughter learned a valuable lesson about the importance of advocating for herself, making her needs known, and that she has a right to be heard. I am indebted to him for this.

* Once again, we had a phenomenal nursing staff. They doted on Bella, were gentle and kind, and one of our nurses was a kidney transplant recipient and understood some of the special needs Bella has.

* I made it through the day. Really – this is a big deal. I was not sure I could do it. It was the first time I had to do this on my own with Bella. We had a bunch of scheduling conflicts, so I had to go on my own. I honestly was not sure I could do it. I could not sleep the night before, and I am NOT a morning person. But I did it. By God’s mercy, I made it through. I am paying for it today, but Bella is not.
And that is what matters.

* Bella’s pain is manageable. This is HUGE.

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So, now what?

For the next 4-6 weeks, we will be doing foot soaks and bandage changes three times a day. Bella will be wearing flip flops to school for the next month and I now have the challenge of trying to keep her feet warm with her toes exposed. 😉

Our continued prayer is that we are able to stave off infection and that her toenails would not reverse to their former growth pattern.

Soon, it will be time to start dealing with the scoliosis, beginning with X-rays.

Sigh.

But for now, we are all taking a bit of a rest. We are regrouping, recharging.
Martin and I have a date night planned.
I cannot even begin to articulate how imperative date nights have become! 
((Aside::)) It is interesting to me how my ENFJ-ness is becoming more and more an INFJ-ness – whether that is because of all that we have been through with Bella, or just me becoming more comfortable in my own skin as I get older – not sure.

And we are preparing for Abeni’s 5th birthday on Monday!!
More to come on that, so stay tuned…

Thank you for your prayers, thoughts, emails, and for being
Our Village.

Toes Part Two

What a day.

Bella is scheduled for her toenails’ “redirection” on Thursday morning.

7:30am.

Normally, this procedure can be done in the actual doctor’s office.
Normally, the procedure lasts 20 minutes.
Normally, the patient pops some Tylenol and goes home.

Bella will go to the Surgery Center.
Bella will need a “dump” of antibiotics prior to surgery. A “dump” means a large, single dose of antibiotics to help stave off her propensity for infection from merely having anything opened/exposed on her body.
Bella will be sedated.
Bella will have I.V. fluids in order to keep her blood pressure above 110.
Bella will have to have a staff ready just in case of a complication.
Bella cannot have NSAIDS (ibuprofen), so she will need to be monitored post-op and prescribed special meds if inflammation is a concern.

It’s interesting. I live in this tension of never wanting to be that Mama looking for drama, and yet, my reality is often a bit more dramatic when it comes to my Bella.tension2

It seems that so often our nature is to repel coming anywhere near that space where tension exists. We just seem to innately want to steer clear of it.
It is as if we are fearful that we just do not have the human capacity to abide in that tension – that it will inevitably destroy us.

And it often becomes reduced to this idea of fairness.

I live in this tension. I have lived in it for almost a decade.

Aside:: Can you believe Bella turns 10 years old this year!?! Twice the age they told us she would reach here on earth!?!?

I, for one, have found something quite profound by living in this tension. I have realized that I am capable of more than I thought was possible, and yet, I have also found that I am not capable of ANYTHING and that the God I believe in is just as tangible, real, raw, authentic, and present as the fingers typing this.

I do not for one minute wish our experience on any other family – on any other child.

I do believe that living in perpetual tension allows me, no – compels me – to reach for understanding, for peace, for wisdom, for faith that goes way, way beyond that which presents itself before me or that which makes sense to me.

So, please keep us in your thoughts and prayers on Thursday.

And please pray the one drive-thru Starbucks is open.

Toes

Toes

Bella’s big toes are becoming a major problem.

We are now on the fourth infection in a row.

It looks as if she may need to have a very painful procedure done in which her big toe toenails are permanently redirected.

For Bella, as always, it will be a bit more complicated – most likely requiring her to remain in the hospital overnight in order to safeguard her from infection. Not to mention, since pain meds will most likely be needed for her, it will be important to closely regulate these as many types of pain meds cause stress to the heart and Bella cannot afford for this to happen. Her kid heart already works unbelievably and abnormally hard to support an adult kidney.

And. of course, there is the recovery. Days on end of not walking. Again.

So, can I just vent here for a minute?

I am pissed.
That is just the simple truth of it.
Why can’t it just be my toes instead?

Why can I not drink some potion from a glorious little crystal, Disney designed locket and take this on for her?!?

Martin and I both just get teary-eyed as we wonder why on earth our daughter has to endure so much.
And there has just been no reprieve. It just keeps coming.
I am not even capable of hoping that an end will be in sight.

 

And yet.

 

I am her mom. And I am a woman of faith.
I am capable of holding this for my Bella, knowing that my God holds me.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we gather information and make arrangements for Bella’s procedure.