Toes Part Two

What a day.

Bella is scheduled for her toenails’ “redirection” on Thursday morning.


Normally, this procedure can be done in the actual doctor’s office.
Normally, the procedure lasts 20 minutes.
Normally, the patient pops some Tylenol and goes home.

Bella will go to the Surgery Center.
Bella will need a “dump” of antibiotics prior to surgery. A “dump” means a large, single dose of antibiotics to help stave off her propensity for infection from merely having anything opened/exposed on her body.
Bella will be sedated.
Bella will have I.V. fluids in order to keep her blood pressure above 110.
Bella will have to have a staff ready just in case of a complication.
Bella cannot have NSAIDS (ibuprofen), so she will need to be monitored post-op and prescribed special meds if inflammation is a concern.

It’s interesting. I live in this tension of never wanting to be that Mama looking for drama, and yet, my reality is often a bit more dramatic when it comes to my Bella.tension2

It seems that so often our nature is to repel coming anywhere near that space where tension exists. We just seem to innately want to steer clear of it.
It is as if we are fearful that we just do not have the human capacity to abide in that tension – that it will inevitably destroy us.

And it often becomes reduced to this idea of fairness.

I live in this tension. I have lived in it for almost a decade.

Aside:: Can you believe Bella turns 10 years old this year!?! Twice the age they told us she would reach here on earth!?!?

I, for one, have found something quite profound by living in this tension. I have realized that I am capable of more than I thought was possible, and yet, I have also found that I am not capable of ANYTHING and that the God I believe in is just as tangible, real, raw, authentic, and present as the fingers typing this.

I do not for one minute wish our experience on any other family – on any other child.

I do believe that living in perpetual tension allows me, no – compels me – to reach for understanding, for peace, for wisdom, for faith that goes way, way beyond that which presents itself before me or that which makes sense to me.

So, please keep us in your thoughts and prayers on Thursday.

And please pray the one drive-thru Starbucks is open.


7 thoughts on “Toes Part Two

  1. Praying protection for Bella & guidance for the surgery staff. Praying each piece of the puzzle is orchestrated by God. May Bella & your family feel Jesus’ presence & love.

  2. Your words are sooooooo good. I understand that tension and say “yes” to its presence in my life. We would not be the same people we are today without it. I am always amazed that I come through these moments and days and years loving God more. How can that be when I often wrestle with the fairness issue? Praise Him for the unending mercies over our fragility! Praying for Bella.

  3. Sweet Carrie, may you, Bella, and your family be strengthened and encouraged by the Spirit and by those of us who are fortunate enough to be called your village. Loving you, Mimi

  4. The feeling of complete vulnerability everywhere, all the time, with everyone, especially with health care providers, during, before and after “procedures” that accompanies a parent who has a chronically ill child is not a feeling that can be explained to someone who has not experienced it. Neither is the feeling of love. Love keeps us going during these times. Carrie you are loved. Feel that love as you also experience the feeling of vulnerability for these next few days. Thanks for being brave enough to share your journey.

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